Semper Fidelis
by Jerryst316
Summary: Is everything as it seems with Castle and Beckett? What if everything we have seen isn't quite the whole story? Spoilers for the finale and Headhunters.


Disclaimer: I am not AM. Right now, I kind of don't want to be…

A/N: So for a while now, I haven't been able to write anything Castle. It started the moment I saw the way they were going to deal with the secrets. Some will agree and some won't, and that's fine, but I cannot nor will I ever view people as the sum of their worst characteristics. We are all more than that. And maybe Castle and Beckett will be redeemed, maybe it will be the case that the darkness will lead to an even greater light. But the darkness matters, and I do remember.

Ultimately, since AM seems fond of Lord of the Rings, I feel like I should say it this way. The reason that LOTR was so good was because over the many months it took them to reach Mordor, the journey mattered much more than the destination. And when it came time to throw the ring into the fires of Mt. Doom, it almost didn't matter because of what came before.

What I finally realized after two weeks of writer's block (and I apologize to the people who are reading Clouds…sorry guys!) was that the reason I couldn't write them anymore was because I had no faith in them. Just like they had no faith in each other. LOL, in other words, I am not a fan of this new direction. So this is my attempt to find that faith once more.

This story is heavy T, it is quite heavy in metaphor and Meta comments about the show, and in a way, I think it is born from a real passion for the characters. I tear down everything, so be warned, but then I build it up in one of the few ways I can find redemption.

Hopefully, after this, I won't need it anymore!

**Semper Fidelis**

**April 16th, 2012**

As they approached the warehouse, Castle was torn between pure excitement and unadulterated fear. He knew Slaughter wouldn't protect him, he knew that he was virtually on his own, and he knew, on some level that he was just a joke to Slaughter and his team. None of that really mattered though. His life seemed to matter less these days, it seemed cloaked in grey, and his reaction had not defined his character in the way he hoped it would.

Maybe he had been an idiot. Maybe he had been a fool. But his reaction had cemented his legacy.

She may have hid this secret, but as he had come to understand, his reaction had justified her lie.

When Slaughter gave the go, the team forced their way into the warehouse and were immediately met with gunfire. Without a gun, Castle dove for cover as Slaughter and his team returned fire, and in the chaos, Castle saw the scene unfold before him. Slaughter could not care less about him but Castle cared deeply for these people, and thus, it was absolutely nothing for Castle to place himself between the bad guys and these officers. When the man they were trying to bring down got the jump on Slaughter, Castle screeched forward and pulled Slaughter free of the path of the bullets aimed directly at his heart.

They crashed to the ground hard, both winded by the difficult fall, and while Slaughter rose with little to no damage, Castle remained lying on the ground. As soon as he collided with Slaughter in an attempt to get him out of the way, Castle felt the biting pain in his shoulder and the powerful punch to his chest, a part only saved by his writers vest. And as Castle lay on the ground, Slaughter simply turned and continued to hunt down his prey.

The bullet wound in his right shoulder throbbed painfully, it bled profusely, and the pain in his chest from the impact of a bullet meant for his heart, right above his left breast, stayed Castle to the ground. His eyes drooped more and more as the blood became serious, and though he didn't make a sound, the grimace on his face told the story of a man in pain.

Unbelievable pain.

Though what hurt more he wasn't sure...

And when the world began to fade to black, Castle wondered whether he would ever get a chance to fix what he felt he had broken. To fix a legacy four years in the making...

_10 minutes later..._

"It's alright Rick, we've got you."

Rick's eyes slowly opened, taking in the scene before him, and as he came back, so do the blinding pain. It wasn't Slaughter or any member of his team that stood over him. It was her.

"Kate?"

"I've got you Rick." Kate's eyes were watery and told him everything he needed to know, he was seriously in trouble and she would be the one to usher him through this dark tunnel they had created for each other.

"I need..."

"Shhhh...It's ok. The ambulance is almost here Rick. Save your strength, you've...you've lost...a lot of blood."

"Oh please, it's just a damn shoulder wound, he is going to be fine!"

Kate turned her attention to the detective who casually strode up to her with a smug grin on his face. Without hesitation, Kate rose from Castle and decked Slaughter as hard as she could across his face, hoping once and for all to knock that fucking smile from his putrid face. He staggered back and fell to the ground.

"I don't have time for your bullshit Slaughter. You sent him in there."

"And you got him shot!"

"Maybe but I care enough to fix it. And you aren't worth my time." With that, Kate turned back to Castle, and as Esposito and Ryan strode up to them, they both leaned down and touched Castle.

"Hang on, bro. Ambulance is on the way." Esposito looked at the concerned looks that adorned both Ryan and Kate's faces, and hoped this wouldn't be as bad as last summer. When Kate...

Ryan took Kate's arm as they looked down over a clearly in distress Richard Castle, "He is going to be ok, Kate."

"I know. I do. Castle, everything is going to be ok."

"I lost faith..."

"Shh...Don't try and talk Castle. We will talk. Later. I promise."

"No, I need you to know...she...was...I acted like..."

"So did I, remember?"

"You never lost..."

"I might have. You don't know."

"No...No you didn't. Slaughter...he...he proved it..."

"I know Rick. I do. But save your strength. You are going to need it." Kate looked around with tears in her eyes and shouted, "Where is that damn ambulance!"

Esposito got the call on his radio, "One minute out."

"One minute Rick, one minute."

"Kate..."

"I swear. We will talk. I swear. Just please, save your strength."

Castle smiled up at Kate, and with all the energy he could muster, "I never realized how much you do care..."

As she heard the sirens from the ambulance come into range, Kate leaned down and kissed Rick on the cheek while whispering in his ear, "Always. Remember?"

"I do now..."

_4 hours later..._

When he thinks back to that first case they worked, Castle realizes that he should have seen it even then. How much she cared for his well-being, when frankly, after all the forms he signed and after forcing his way into the precinct, she didn't have too. When he felt that bullet sear his flesh, he knew that he was in trouble, that his boyish bravado and childish demeanor had been the catalyst for his downfall in that warehouse, but what struck him the most was that he ultimately wished for Kate and her team to be by his side.

Even if she didn't love him, even if she lied, he had lost faith in the people who had placed so much faith in him over the years. People who had become his family. Esposito and Ryan and Lanie could not care less about his money or his books, they loved, yes loved, the man that fought with them during the most trying of times. They had made him a better man, one who wouldn't see these types of scenarios because they stood in front of him while he learned to become the pillar he sought to be.

It's funny what a bullet will do. What a bullet had done...

Never once in all the pain of her unknown admission, never once in all the time he wallowed in self-pity and despair, did he give any of them enough credit. Never once did he think that maybe they weren't playing him for a fool, that she wasn't trying to belittle him. What a mess of things he had made.

And that's the thing, no writer could think up this horrid and putrid plot, no writer would do this to characters whom they claimed to love writing, and thus, it had to be real. Right?

It had to be real.

It was real. Real-life. And writers don't have control over that. Castle was proof of that.

So, while Castle laid in bed with bandages on his shoulder and pain medicine for the bruises on his chest coursing through his body, Castle finally begin to understand, how pain can lead to choices that we regret, how emotional turmoil can lead us to actions that speak little of the character we have built, and how weakness is a product of being a human being.

That bullet was his rebirth, his resurrection from the dregs of his own self-loathing, and whether that path included Kate or not, he knew beyond measure that the road he chose now would be one where he honored the four years he spent in the precinct.

By definition, faith is blind. It is a blind belief in your friends, in your God and in yourself, that things will be better, and that ultimately, being a human being means more than what we can see and touch. It is an optimistic belief that the world can be a better place if only we force our way onto a path born of love and hope that resides in our hearts.

Of course, we lose faith all the time. In the face of the terrible and the destructive, we can begin to lose faith that our heart can carry us through, that our strength and determination are enough to navigate this path out of darkness that we all seek.

And then there are times when bullets or disasters, pain and agony can have a transformative effect on those who allow their hearts to carry the day. When that bullet struck his heart, Castle felt it grow three sizes, he felt his heart torn free of the stone prison placed around it weeks earlier, and it was his heart's beat that forced the resolve and character and determination to rise once more.

He determined it then: he would seek the path of redemption, of maturity, of love and of always. Hope filled him, a renewed sense of purpose and desire strengthened him, and though he couldn't rise from the bed, he steeled himself to rise to this occasion.

He made the promise after all…

_20 minutes later…_

Of course, she made the promise too.

They never talk about it. The mantra flowed over and around her, protecting her from risk and pain, but the thing about life is that reality tends to sting when met with a clear head. For she knew it, especially as he laid on the ground, that all of the moments, from here to there were just excuses, her own stupid desire to never be hurt or feel the agony of loss.

Without loss though, one cannot live.

And so she sat in the waiting room of Mt. Sinai, silently and solemnly running her fingers over the blue bullet-proofed vest that had saved his life, and as tears threatened to fall at the mess that was her life, her finger found the bullet hole in the center.

They never talk about it. The mantra flowed over and around her, protecting her from risk and pain, but the thing about life is that reality tends to sting when met with a clear head. For she knew it, especially as he laid on the ground, that all of the moments, from here to there were just excuses, her own stupid desire to never be hurt or feel the agony of loss.

Without loss though, one cannot live.

And so she sat in the waiting room of Mt. Sinai, silently and solemnly running her fingers over the blue bullet-proofed vest that had saved his life, and as tears threatened to fall at the mess that was her life, her finger found the bullet hole in the center.

The hole in his heart that almost placed one in hers.

"Hey baby."

"Hey Lanie."

"How's Castle?"

"He is going to be fine. Bruised and beaten, but fine."

Lanie sat down next to Kate and placed her hand on Kate's arm, "And how are you?"

"Been better, Lanie."

"You waited..."

Kate cringed, "Please Lanie, please. Not here. Not now."

"You can't not call me here, Kate."

Kate looked into Lanie's eyes and sighed, fighting back the anger that dwelled within her, "How long are you going to hold that against me?"

"Honey, I'm not holding it against you, but you keep telling me that you want to wait for the right time, wait for that perfect moment. Kate, there is no such thing."

Kate was exasperated and could barely hold it back, "Lanie..."

Lanie leaned forward and took the vest from Kate, "I know baby, I do. I know you think it's never that easy, I know you think things are always going to fall apart, but let me let you in on something. You can't live life, without loss." She quietly placed it on the seat next to her and took Kate's hands into hers.

Kate squeezed back and let the anger flow away from her, "I know, Lanie. I know..."

"I know you do. So why are you still, even after what happened today, in this room?"

"Lanie, what if I'm not ready? What if this isn't our moment?"

Lanie sighed deeply and looked directly at Kate, "If you aren't ready now, then you never will be. No matter what though, we've got your back."

Kate smiled slightly, "I don't think I know how to be happy..."

"Honestly, I don't think anyone does." Lanie leaned back in her chair and studied the woman before her, "I didn't come over her to do this. I really didn't. And I don't know if I know how to be happy either, but I do know one thing."

Kate looked at Lanie and wondered what she could know, "What's that?"

Lanie leaned over and took the vest off the chair next to her and handed it back to Kate, "I know that you cannot be happy, unless you try."

They would never have that perfect moment, they would never be the characters of a romantic comedy that come together under the swell of the deep and inspiring instrumental music, but what Kate hoped was true was that they could overcome the obstacles both placed in front of them. For nearly a year now, her happiness had been tied to Castle, irrevocably linked to the man that had been her partner for four years, and as the past few weeks had shown her, they were their own worst enemies.

They were characters in this idiot plot, bent on prolonging a dance neither sought, and for it to prolong itself, they had to take just the wrong step at just the right time. For four years, they had counted on each other to take that step so that neither had to risk themselves, and as she reveled in her complacency, he reveled in his silence and bravado.

"Honey, if you ever want to be happy, you know the first step you have to take. I firmly believe that happiness isn't something that simply falls into your lap, it has to be seized. If you want this, if you really want happiness, then go out and take it for yourself."

At that moment, Ryan walked purposefully towards Kate and Lanie, "Hey boss. We've got a body."

Slowly, Kate stood from her seat and fingered the letters on his vest. They spelled out 'writer' in bold block letters. She traced the 'w' and the 'e', and while the 'w' was stained by the fire and power of the bullet, the 'e' was pristine. A perfect metaphor...

"Lanie, I am so tired of waiting."

Lanie stood and smiled at Kate, "Then don't. Remember, we got your back. Whatever happens." Lanie placed her hand on Kate's cheek and saw her try to fight back the fear of a life dedicated to hiding behind a wall. Lanie gently leaned forward and took the vest from Kate once more.

"Ryan, I have something I need to do. Can..."

Ryan held up his hand and smiled at his boss, "We got your back. Get in there..."

_3 minutes later..._

The walk down the sterile hallway of the hospital may have been the longest walk of her life, though she has had others. In some sense, dealing with tragedy is easier than putting yourself on the line, than rising to the occasion, because ultimately, placing yourself in the line of fire is counter to every instinct of a human being.

The shroud of the hallway enveloped her as she made her way to Castle's room. Kate knew the power of rising up to meet a challenge, of placing herself on the front line, but it never got old and it was never met with calm nerves. She was clueless as to what might happen, she wasn't sure what she would do, but she did know that this was the correct path.

All roads led to room 423.

When she thought back to that moment nearly two years ago, a moment burned into her psyche, she marveled at their missed opportunities. He walked away from her and she allowed him to do so. What a waste that had been, what a moment they had allowed to slip through their fingers, and though she stood tall after the heartbreak of loss, she was determined to never allow another moment to slide from her grasp like sand, blowing freely in the wind. It wasn't free, not like it should have been, instead it was more like the slow movement of gravel in an hour glass. Forever to be tipped on its side when the moment is lost. She was tired of losing, she was tired of fearing the worst, and expecting it in kind.

The battle she waged to live a better and more potent life, the war she fought to tear down her walls was only metaphorical, and she found as she sat in the waiting room that it was in action that she would find her successes. And her failures. What Kate truly figured out in that waiting room is that life is full of failures, of moments that threaten to devour us alive, and yet, only the timid seek out the safe and the pedestrian. As if the walls came crumbling down in a maelstrom of loss and heartbreak, Kate finally understood that life is not about expecting agony, it's about hoping for the greatest of love.

Without loss, one cannot live.

This wasn't about losing him, this couldn't be about that, it had to be about her genuine love for a man that stood by her, for the most part, but who lost faith along the way. And now, now it was her turn to stand by him. He had fallen, much as she had, but they would rise together, they would resurrect their own lives together. Human monuments to the best of mankind.

That was her hope as she opened the door...

**May 7th, 2012**

They stood in awe at the scene before them, and as the officer escorted their friend, their sister, their boss from the precinct, they could not imagine the horrible events of the past few hours. Katherine Beckett was no longer a detective for the NYPD.

They could not process their own emotions, they stood in silence as she handed in her badge and gun and forced themselves to take in the moment that they were sure would break them as a team. As a family. When she reached the elevator, escort following silently in-step, she turned one last time and looked at the members of her team, the people she loved, and said goodbye to the only life she had ever known.

To the people who, unbeknownst to her, had filled a gap in her heart that had been torn asunder so many years ago, and though it was one of the worst and most heartbreaking moments of her life, she knew this was a necessary step on her path towards a life of her design.

**May 9th, 2012**

She had always heard the beaches of Maine were nice this time of year, though she had never been before, but with everything that had happened, all of the steps she had taken, all the stone pillars that had crumbled at her feet, this seemed apropos. She stood at the water's edge, as she had for so long, the water skimming over her bare feet. The wind whipped through her hair, free of its binds in the early summer breath of New England, as she devoured the scene painted before her.

This was a museum and she was the patron, the great art of the world on display, and as her eyes closed to the feeling which surrounded her, she sought peace from the harsh realities of that which had nearly destroyed her. When she felt a presence at her back, instantly her guard rose, and she came to life as though she was a display waiting for the perfect moment.

They found her...

And yet, as his hand found her shoulder and his body pressed slowly into her from behind, she instantly calmed. She allowed the tense and electric air to soothe her nerves at the familiar form of the man behind her, and as she allowed her head to fall back into his strong shoulder, his arms wrapped around her stomach holding her in place.

Kate whispered, "Castle, you scared the hell out of me."

"We have the whole summer, Kate. Can't be scared the whole time..."

"It worked?"

"FBI is confirming but...yeah. We think so."

"And no one knows..."

He paused, "No..."

"I'm so sorry, Rick."

"Your family is suffering too."

"I don't have a daughter."

"Want one?"

"Rick..."

"Right, don't joke..."

"They are going to be so angry."

"We did this to keep them safe, Kate. They will understand. You did..."

"Yeah...well I can't seem to stay mad at you."

"When you found out...you really wanted too. I could tell."

"You mean the hot passionate monkey sex, as you put it?"

Rick laughed heartily, "Hey, I don't ever remember calling it 'monkey' sex!"

**March 26**

As the night wore on, Kate knew this would be the moment that either broke her or forced her to rise to meet a challenge four years in the making. He was investigating the case, he had placed himself in danger for her, to keep her safe, and now they were coming for them. They were trying to find a way in, as he had been, though a way in to what neither was sure.

Was this his way of trying to break the case? Or was this his way of trying to break her heart?

What she understood in that moment was the power of faith. The power of belief.

Faith in the man she...the man she loved.

She could still hardly think it.

And as the hope played across his face, she knew that this man was the one who would stand with her when all those around fell. This man would be with her, rise by her side, and always be her rock in the most tumultuous of storms.

He loved her.

And despite her best efforts, she loved him right back.

With the energy and will of those held back from the fruits of a life truly and faithfully examined, she attacked him in the loft that night. Their kiss was frenzied and passionate, and as she held him against the door of his study, one hand brusquely positioned on his chest, she expertly turned him from a shocked bystander to a puddle in the palm of her hands.

That last one was both literal and figurative.

Her mouth found his neck as his fingers wound through her luscious hair, and as though a dam burst, she was flooded with everything that the potential of this relationship held. It seemed fitting that they loved sex and metaphor...

Her hands found the buttons on his shirt far too clumsily, so without hesitation, he ripped his shirt open for her. She couldn't help the smile and small sound of laughter that escaped her lips, and though his chest would not be so lucky, she laughed at how they had gotten here and how they were going to get to tomorrow.

Her lips descended his chest, she tasted him and feasted on the treat of Richard Castle, and as she went lower, his pants stood little chance. When he was free of the confines of his blue silk boxers, she took him into mouth and reveled at the power and taste.

He tasted like victory.

And later that night, she would taste like cherries.

Her boy-shorts and tight nylon pants would be stripped without regard, his tongue would find the taste of her, and he would make her scream that night. But most importantly, they would find their love in each other. They would see that no distance, no obstacle was too great, and no amount of well-meaning actions that only seemed to place them further apart would deter them from each other. They were meant to be, fated in the stars, born to be in this room with each other.

When he finally slid gracefully into her their eyes locked and the world seemed to turn a little slower in the moment when two became one. They were tender, they took and they gave, and they loved.

Nothing else in the world mattered.

When it was finished and they lie together, a plan had been hatched, a painful decision made in the best interest of their loved ones, and as secrets spilled, so had plans to take them back.

**May 9th, 2012**

When she thought back to where this began, she could not comprehend the logic or the reason which finally forced them together. Forced them from their reverie. It was a logical chain that seemed unlikely deduced, a series of fortunate events that shrouded darkness in a tunnel of light, and when the planned had been forged and the ring dropped from the hand into the molten pit of fire, each understood the inherent contradiction.

Life is told, sometimes, in contradiction. In contrast. Love and honor, agony and despair, they told the story of two people united under a common purpose, and as they sought refuge in the knowledge of their own righteousness, they understood the price they would pay. They had been players on this stage for four years, but when they were most vulnerable, most open to the inherent dangers of the world, they chose to change the play. They chose to act as though the curtain was about to fall on them, when really the only person in danger was the man who placed those they loved in harms way.

When the dragon woke from its slumber, when it's breath of fire scorched the very recesses of their own families because he sought to protect her, they rose together, swords at the ready, and fought with every piece of their hearts. She held his in the palm of her hand, and in return, he nursed her fledging passion back to life.

Since the beginning, it had been a ruse. They were beautiful and talented actors, fooling even those closest to them, and though it pained them to lie to others, they understood the inherent sacrifice they were forced to make. A cover to make it seem like they were breaking apart, when in all actuality, they had become closer and more trusting than ever. The faith they held in their hearts for the other buoyed them and forced their better angels to rise from the ashes of bullets to the chest and shoulder.

And as they stood on that beach in Maine together, no one, including Alexis or Lanie knew the wiser. Reparation would have to be paid, fences would need mending when this battle ended, but they would survive the coming storm. As one.

The story of those who rise to protect those who most vulnerable, the men and women who hold fast to the wall erected between good and evil, the ever vigilant who keep watch when the good need protecting, begins and ends a simple Latin phrase. Semper Fidelis. Always faithful.

To each other.

"That was a wonderful night."

"I will never forget it, I am certain."

"Is it done?"

"Almost."

"When the FBI is certain, we can go home Castle."

Castle quietly turned Kate in his arms, "I have faith, Kate."

As they looked into each other's eyes, they knew the path they had chosen would the path that brought them both back to life. To lives they both deserved. As Castle bent down to kiss Kate for what seemed like the first time, they allowed the sun and the sand and the water and the wind to gently wipe away the pain and agony of secrets and a lack of trust. They allowed themselves to be one under the warm sun of an early summer in Maine, and as love and heart and faith won out over the contempt of what they had done, they achieved what each yearned for in this life.

It was lost on neither that the case that had come to define them both had only been closed when they had come together. They were mighty. They were giants.

They were heroes not because they stood on that wall, but because they never lost faith.

In the majesty of them and the everlasting beauty of mankind.

-Fin.

**A/N: I feel so much better...:) Chapter 4 of Clouds will follow soon. I promise!**


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